I'm lost without you
by oldschool-ladyrocket
Summary: [SethRyan PreSlash] Ryan comes back from Chino, but Seth is still in Portland. So Ryan does what he knows how to do: be the hero. And the hero goes to Portland.


Pairing: Seth/Ryan, pre-slash.  
Beta: Kaci, my angel.  
Rating: PG because, well, because.  
Location: End of season one.  
Disclaimer: Even counting that I would totally love to own the season finale and the boys, they aren't mine.  
Dedicatory: To my dear _Brui_ and my dear sister, _Bellatrix_. :).  
To _Pals_, who is always there.  
To _Demonic Reivun_ whose past rev whas wicked, to _Detailed_ who is so in the Dark Side as I am.  
And to all my past reviewers :)  
_Ah! Feedback is divine, and there is no one who needs to be fed in The OC now..._

* * *

_**I'm Lost without you**_

Ryan Atwood thought that good things were not meant to happen to him. His father was in jail; his mother was a drunk who hated him, his brother…well, maybe Trey was the only person that sometimes (when he wasn't drunk or high) cared about Ryan. But still, his life was a _fucking _mess.

He was just sixteen and his future was written. He could be a drunken bastard who got by on stealing, like his brother, until he became in a drunken bastard who got caught, like his father and ended up in jail, too. Or maybe, if he was lucky, he would get killed in some nasty fight before he turned eighteen.

Oh, yes, there was a world of possibilities for Ryan Atwood. Each one more tempting than the last.

But… when Sandy Cohen told him to stay, when Kirsten Cohen said _keepers,_ and when Seth Cohen lifted the control up and mumbled "Wanna play?" everything in his world started to change.

Slowly at the beginning, small steps to a new life. Steps that he took, unsure, always with his eyes down. But he started to feel loved, to belong.

The Cohens loved him, like no one in the world ever had. And he belonged to them, to the pool house, to the takeout food in the kitchen, to Sandy's bad jokes, to Kirsten's motherly attitude, to Seth's babbling and games...

To Seth's smiles too, to Seth's weird moves and noises while playing, to Seth's self- destructive eating habits. _To Seth, in general._

And then?

Then, Theresa. And the baby. And Chino. And coming back to the kind of life that he had left in the past, in the back of his head like some kind of nightmare he had woke up from while sleeping on pretty sheets in the pool house.

Chino had been the nightmare, and Newport wasn't the dream, just the reality. But when Theresa said _pregnant…_ Chino was the reality again and Newport was the dream.

So he left. With pain in his heart, with tears in his eyes, without words in his mouth. And with a terrible desolate feeling when he realized that Seth hadn't hugged him _one last time._

But he came back. When everything with Theresa got wrong, but somehow got right. He came back to Newport, to i _home /i ._

To the Cohens.

But nothing was like before. And it didn't have to do with Sandy or with Kirsten; they still loved Ryan.

"_No matter what,"_ they had said. _"No matter what, Ryan."_

But the thing was Seth. The thing was, Seth wasn't there.

Seth, his best friend, his maybe brother, his salvation from going down and down in himself, _his Seth _wasn't there.

"I'm going to Portland," Ryan said one morning.

"What?" Kirsten was scared, but Sandy understood immediately and just asked, "What do you need?"

"Nothing." He breathed out twice and confessed, "The _only thing _I need is in Portland."

In the morning, he left.

Seth Cohen thought that good things were not meant to happen to him. While his parents treated him with love and gave him what they thought that would make him happy, but he was not a classic bad-habited only-son Newport-boy, he was dying inside.

He noticed that he was alone in the world before he was old enough to know the difference between cartoon-Superman and comic-Superman. And Seth was quite young when he learned that difference.

The point was, no one really got him. Not that he was some_angsty _typical teenager whose life was bad because that's how _it had to be_, he was just meant to be alone and apart. Besides his parents and some family, no one even knew his name.

He survived like that for sixteen years. No one liking him at all.

And since man is a creature of habit, he got used to loneliness, to the silence of his room, to his unpopularity, to trust in a plastic horse (_"What are you talking about, dad?"_ he protested once, "_Captain Oats so has feelings!" _Sandy had dropped the issue years ago), to the pee in his shoes…

Except that, one morning, everything changed. One morning the option 'two players' was pressed in his Play Station console, and the world gave a 360º turn.

_Ryan._

Ryan was his first best friend. _Okay, okay, Ryan was his first best friend who walked in two legs. _(After all these years he wasn't going to forget Captain Oats, was he?)

But then, when he was used to someone actually listening him, when he learned how to read _all_ Ryan's looks, when all the things made perfect sense… All went away.

_Theresa. Baby. Chino._ Those were the only words that Seth remembered Ryan saying. And those words still were hurting him. Badly.

So Ryan left, in the same way he got there, shocking Seth.

And some time between Ryan's last words and Ryan's last footsteps in the house, Seth noticed that he couldn't stay in there.

He couldn't be in his house, in Newport, without Ryan.

So he left, too. With some written notes for his parents and Summer, without advice, without more hesitation. He left Newport, sailing away from everything he ever knew. From everything he ever hated and loved. And mostly, from the pain of have seen Ryan left. And leaving him go, without a hug, without just _one more fucking hug. _

Seth wasn't sure how he ended up in Portland with one of the men that had caused more unhappiness in his life. But he didn't wonder about it so much.

He called Sandy, he told him he was all right, he avoided explanations, he said _I love you, I love mom._ He said good-bye.

Luke's father called a few days later telling Sandy where his son was and that he hadn't any problem with Seth staying in Portland all the time he needed to.

Sandy called Carson every day.

Carson Ward never told Seth.

Kirsten called once.

Luke's father heard her cry.

Sandy _and_ Kirsten called the morning that Ryan left for Portland.

Carson smiled at the phone and said _you're very welcome_ for the last time without knowing.

Ryan arrived in Portland in the afternoon. He was tired from the trip and his heart was beating with anticipation and need.

Before he noticed, he was in Luke's house. He was in front of Luke to be exact, and Seth was there too. He looked more pale and thinner than what Ryan remembered, and he smiled at that thought because he was sure that it would have been Kirsten's first thought if she saw him.

"Well, I leave you two alone for awhile." Luke had smiled and left Ryan and Seth to face each other.

"Hey," Seth's voice was shy. And he never had been shy in front of Ryan.

"Hey," echoed Ryan.

"How's Theresa?"

"I don't know."

"What?" Seth's voice and face showed honest surprise.

"She lost the baby and she disappeared from Chino. I've been in Newport the past two weeks."

Then Seth noticed how far away he and Ryan were standing from each other. _If this is not personal space, then tell me what the fuck personal space is, _Seth though.

"You… you've been in Newport?"

Ryan nodded.

"So, mom and dad sent you to come after me?"

"I came because _I_ wanted to."

Seth realized that maybe the distance between them wasn't that much. And what better way to test it than hugging Ryan?

So he advanced a few steps and hugged Ryan, strongly, like that time when Ryan came back from Juvie. Like he should have done before Ryan left for Chino.

And Ryan hugged him back, remembering how much he missed this, how he missed Seth, more than any other thing in Newport and in the world.

And while that hug prolonged more than brotherly or friendly, while they enjoyed each others' presence, while their faces where hidden… In some moment between all that came Seth's mumbled voice "I have missed you so much."

And Ryan felt his knees go week, and that the world around them stopped.

And it didn't matter if they were in Newport, in Portland or in Alaska even, because Seth was in his arms and he was in Seth's.

"I've missed you, too." he answered back, whispering into Seth's neck.

When Ryan said, "Let's go home," Seth didn't even consider it twice.

It was two days after Ryan's arrival. The sun was bright and the lunch had 

been delightful.

Luke said _good-bye _and_ come back soon_ in the same tone that he had said _Hey Chino!_ two days ago. Luke's father also said a few words of departure.

Seth and Ryan, said _thank you._

And before the sun started to go down, they were in a taxi heading back to Newport.

The first time Seth asked why he came back from him, Ryan didn't say anything, so he gave it another try five minutes later.

"You could say something, you know," Seth mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Why did you come?"

"I already told you, because I wanted to," was Ryan's calm answer. "And your parents thought it was a good idea."

"Why?"

"Well, they're your parents Seth," Ryan replied "They want to see you and---"

"I know that," Seth interrupted. "But why _you_ wanted to come after me?"

Ryan was silent a second before actually answered.

"Because I _needed_ you," Ryan moved his head in negation. "I _need_ you."

Seth didn't ask anything else.

* * *

So... what did you think?  
Love to hear from you... 


End file.
